More than just love

What do you need to whip up a perfect romantic relationship Love trust compatibility loyalty Yet sometimes you can have all of the above and still feel it going sour for reasons beyond the book Take for instance American pop star and actor Jennifer Lopez and her fianceacute Alex Rodriguez The two were set for a dreamy wedding last year but the virus derailed their plans and they like several other couples across the globe found their relationship facing the heat of the lockdown In an interview last month the singer revealed that the couple underwent therapy together which really helped their relationshipKavyal Sedani a hypnotherapist and founder Rise Above a citybased mental healthcare centre shares that relationship therapy is a professional intervention that a couple seeks when their communication breaks down ldquoDue to our past baggage and filters of opinions that we put on thanks to our families and friends we usually see a distorted version of ourselves and our partners A relationship counsellor takes these tinted glasses off and makes each person see clearlyrdquo explains Sedani She adds that relationship counselling thus helps an individual understand themselves better and see their partner in a different lightVandana Shah a divorce lawyer and author asserts that she often directs her clients for counselling especially if she feels the marriage can be saved Shah jokes that divorce lawyers often double up as counsellors since clients look to them for emotional support too ldquoI feel that in a lot of cases while marriage counselling may not save the relationship it helps to seek clarity and make a divorce less acrimonious or even defer itrdquo she reasonsKavyal SedaniStigma alertWhile 2020 highlighted the need for better mental healthcare relationship therapy or counselling which affects the emotional and sexual wellbeing of couples is still less talked about in India Sedani who has been counselling couples for a decade notes that there is a definite stigma around it ldquoThe typical mindset is lsquoI canrsquot open up to a stranger How can a stranger help me if I canrsquot help myself The counsellor will judge usrsquo Or lsquoIrsquove tried speaking to 20 people and no one has been able to help so I wonrsquot tryrsquordquo she notes Shah says that another reason holding couples back is that people associate mental health issues with ldquogoing crazyrdquo She also points out that in desi households elders essay the role of relationship counsellors often misleading couples ldquoRelatives may mean well but they can push you to compromise Itrsquos a complete nonordquoVandana ShahPandemic effectSedani and Shah share that they have both noticed an increase in counselling and divorce cases since the lockdown The counsellor whorsquos seen an average of 15 cases per month as opposed to five earlier claims the pandemic took away the freedom to escape a bad relationship ldquoWe couldnrsquot find solace in our friends or office This combined with the uncertainty heightened our fears A lot of people started feeling stifled with their partners Moreover there was a lot more responsibility at home since men werenrsquot always forthcoming it aggravated the stress on women many of whom decided to quit their relationship feeling they were not in an equal partnershiprdquo she explains Shah who witnessed divorce rates trebling says a lot of affairs also came to light ldquoFor three months that we ran a legal advice helpline we got 80 to 90 calls a dayrdquo she addsSeeking helpSedani says relationship counselling in most cases is the last resort often compounding the damage For those keen to find solutions she shares a few tips poundFind a counsellor who you connect with as the journey will be long and painstakinggtgt Be patient with yourself your partner and the counsellor Lasting changes take time and introspection No counsellor has a magic wand go with realistic expectationsgtgt Donrsquot expect the relationship to change if you arenrsquot willing to do so your intent matters the mostA couple of changesCitybased couple Pratha Narang and Sushant Naik who got married in February last year found themselves locked in together barely days after their honeymoon The couple who had only casually dated before this suddenly came to grips with their diametrically opposite lifestyles and habits which ended up taking a toll on their relationship prompting them to also ponder if marriage had been a good idea at all shares Narang ldquoThe uncertainty of the pandemic aggravated the situation leading to frequent moments of friction Thatrsquos when I heard about a therapy app ReGain and signed up for it We both wanted to make it workrdquo she addsTherapy wasnrsquot a completely smooth road though when they started with the weekly sessions the first few months were rough before they figured out how to communicate their problems ldquoWe would get tasks or goals for every week and were also suggested readings which immensely helped usrdquo says NarangShe adds that the most important thing she learnt was that partners have to meet each other halfway but that doesnrsquot necessarily have to mean compromising ldquoWersquove now been asked to stop therapy by our therapist Irsquom glad we did this togetherrdquo signs off the expecting mother