Gujarat Titans vs Goan Lobster Kings

I feel a sense of dhoklaundhiyuhood a desire to twirl a dandiya stick or two every time the Gujarat Titans come out to play in IPL 2022mdashI think this exuberance emanates from my lsquomotherrsquos sidersquo Gujju parentageDidnrsquot much care for Hardik Pandya post the Coffee with Karan showhellip his boastful misogyny his Patek Philippe laden show ponynesshellip but watching him captain the Titans with an easy swagger giving the Shamis Shubmans Lockie Fergusons and Rashid Khans a freedom and joiedevivre to perform is refreshingBut this Gujarati side must be balanced out by my Goan heritage really donrsquot want my Goan father squabbling with my Gujarati mother that therersquos any favouritismmdashthe Gujarat Titanrsquos slogan Aava de must be matched up with a Rava de typewar cry for my new Goan teamDear reader I have no funds so Irsquom offering a lifetime supply of any Goan dish to the playersPlus Irsquod like to name the teamGoan Giant Lobsters or Goan King Fish if yoursquove noticed most teams have a lsquoGiantsrsquo or lsquoKingsrsquo in the nameMy goal is to find a Dream 11 to compete in IPL 2023 Here is my wishlist of playersmdashMy captain would be the exPM of Pakistan Imran Khanhellip the outofwork allatsea politician debonair ladiesrsquo man but dashing swashbuckling player When I look at him I donrsquot see a failed Prime Minister I see someone who nearly failed me my 1978 ICSE Board exams Me trying to study the syllabus while studying his supreme bowling action on a black and white ECTV setHis vicecaptain has to be that other misguided politician the colourful Sikh Navjot Singh Sidhu aka Sherry Paaji with his platitudes and proverbsMy third dream player is Volodmyr Zelensky unlike Immy a dude who knows how to run a country Up against the humourless brutality of Putin and the higgledypiggledy colourlessnes of Biden he stands tall His leadership and resistance are unmatched plus hersquos a standup comedian and a musicianTo go with him his roommate could be French Prezzie Emmanuel Macron These will be my two overseas European playersAt number five Irsquom going straight for Will Smithhellip we need his Men in Black slap happy slap dash pizzazz in the team poor guy has been banned from the Oscars for ten years who knows if anyone will cast him for awhilehellip so I say ldquoWill brother my IPL team needs you Think of every ball as if its Chris Rockrsquos face and slap the hell out of it You will be our Fresh Prince of Baga BeachrdquoNext I want Murali Karthik and Mayanti Langer by far the most annoying chatterboxes on the box if they join the team it will save millions of having to mute their TVs rather than listen to themAlia Bhatt is a musthave shersquos just married so she serves as team mascot motivator mentor and cheerleader And with Brahmastra finally releasing with Ranbir Kapoor as a superhero I want them asa package dealI need the greatest bowling combo IPL has ever seen so the plan is to steal Jasprit Bumrah and Trent Boult away from their respective teams pair them together In return Bumrah gets a lifetime supply of BombilBombay Duck and Trent Boult gets a 20year complimentary stay at Fort AguadaFinally the team anthem Rave de recorded and sung by Remo Fernandes will go something like thismdashRava de Rava de Rava de Rava deRava grill Rava fry Rava chilly Rava dryWe are beach we are sky We are Rava Rava fryRava de Rave night We wonrsquot give up de fightWersquore Goan Lobster KingsWersquore gonna win dis tingRava masalalalalalalala We are Vindaloo We will VinDeCup Rava de Rava deRava Rava Rava de Rava grill Rava fry Rava chilly Rava dryYou can eat it Just canrsquot beat it Wersquore Goan Lobster Kings Wersquore gonna win dis tingRava de heyRahul daCunha is an adman theatre directorplaywright photographer and traveller Reach him at rahuldacunhamiddaycom