One nation, under surveillance

The Dean of the University of Free Thought had been expecting the letter for some time It finally came into his Inbox last week bearing the distinctive logo of the Department of Education of the Government of Freepublica The logo features an ageing blind bald eagle with a dead mouse in its beak Below is the countryrsquos motto One Nation Under SurveillanceThe letter couched in the highminded language of corruption and decay set down the conditions the University must fulfil to continue receiving government fundingThe summary below however captures the essence of the letter in blunt EnglishObey Or Be DamnedThe University must reward the obedient weed out the rebellious and strongly discourage students and untenured faculty from being overexpressive Only those of proven ideological loyalty will be appointed to positions in governance Anyone suspected of believing that change is possible must be expelled within minutesMeritorious ColoursOnly candidates of merit will be considered for leadership positions The word merit is defined as heartfelt agreement with whatever Freepublicarsquos president says Diversity is not a thing The Government will not tolerate any attempt to smuggle in brown light brown black yellow and coffeecoloured people or people of any other colour The only colour officially approved has already been communicated in a separate email which you may not have received If so you are free to guess what that colour might be Clue Itrsquos the Presidentrsquos colour If only all Freepublicans could be as meritorious as heBase It On RaceStudents must be selected based on merit and only merit Merit includes alignment with the officially approved policy and skin colour The University will assiduously avoid any attempt to consider a studentrsquos background personality or circumstancesLetrsquos talk about Bombai Click the QR code above to join my WhatsApp group to share your Bombai stories for my bookmdashand perhaps answer some of my Bombai questionsThe Government is happy to help the University ensure the correct kind of conformity To facilitate this the University is required to provide the Government with admission data such as race and skin colour at the time of applicationNo Uppity ForeignersThe University will keep close watch on foreign students especially if they believe that being in Freepublica means that they are somehow entitled to free speech and free thought Nothing is free everything and everyone has a priceLook Diverse Donrsquot Be DiverseEvery department must include at least a few obedient contrarians to create the illusion of free debate If a department is unable to have an open discussion about officially approved topics because no one disagrees itrsquos time to fire and rehire until you get the right mix of sanctioned disagreementDonrsquot Touch The JewsThinking bad thoughts about Jews is not allowed The University will closely monitor studentsrsquo and professorsrsquo thoughts about Jews Anyone suspected of thinking unauthorised thoughts about Jews will have their visas cancelled their babies murdered in their sleep and their wives disappeared If they are not foreigners then their Free Parking slots will be taken awayWhile they are at it the University will monitor all other thoughts as well just in case something comes upDeath To DiversityAdmitting that Freepublica is diverse will mean acknowledging that lack of diversity in university admissions is a problem People will start demanding solutions To preempt this the University will stop all attempts at diversity Only students who look and act like previous students will be taken Students must show photographs of alumni who they resemble so that everyone looks similar And of course whiteThe Right To Have No RightsAll students and professors have a right to have their rights taken away so that they can enjoy a rightsfree environment and think stateapproved thoughts People who disagree must be swiftly identified reported and punished Fingers may be removed one at a time or more if deemed necessary so that they canrsquot make victory signs or hold placards againSnitch And Get RichThe University will encourage students faculty and staff to snitch on each other anonymously especially when they air unapproved opinions or demand the truth Such students will receive cash bonanzas graduate without giving exams and land cushy jobs in the GovernmentThe Truth Shall Put You In JailThe University will monitor everyone at every level with CCTV cameras and hidden mics Anyone caught speaking hard truths will pay a heavy price Transparency is allowed only when there is no big deal and nobody has been caught saying or doing anythingThe guidelines above are based on an openeyed reading of a real letter received by the University from the Government of Freepublica Most universities have quietly caved Money is money after all and you canrsquot have moral values if you donrsquot even exist However the University of Free Thought Freepublicarsquos bestknown academic institution has refused to comply and is preparing to fight backI nearly forgot The University of Free Thought is better known as Harvard University in real life No prizes for guessing which country Freepublica is However donrsquot say the name in public or you know what theyrsquoll do to your babies and wivesYou can read the original letter here httpscuttlyerzvTAOUYou can reach C Y Gopinath at cygopigmailcomSend your feedback to mailbagmiddaycomThe views expressed in this column are the individualrsquos and donrsquot represent those of the paperatOptionskeyd0ddb8ef8f1a62a8cdd22fac27fc5ea7formatiframeheight90width728params