‘I don’t want to be emotionally unavailable to my loved ones’

Sid name changed is 15 years old and has just completed his 10th grade board exams He is set to graduate from a wellknown school located in Mumbairsquos western suburbs and is slowly navigating the complexities of growing up and being a man As an adolescent himself he admits that this stage of life isnrsquot easy He speaks to Sunday midday about his understanding of masculinity friendships and relationshipsWhat is masculinity according to youSID Masculinity in my understanding is a scale on which every individual lies I donrsquot think it necessarily has anything to do with being a man A biological woman can have many masculine traits and a biological man can have feminine traits A biological woman could score a 6 on the masculine scale while a biological man might score a 4 So for me most people exist somewhere on this scale of masculinity and femininityWhat are some traits that masculine individuals possessI think people who work out a lot play sports lift heavy weights and are generally stoic would be considered masculine I also believe more masculine individuals have a greater sense of responsibilitymdashthey feel the need to have all the answers and be providersRepresentational piciStockWho is your role modelThis is a tough one but I think I have two DCrsquos Batman and retired F1 driver Daniel Ricciardo Batman because hersquos jacked and he saves people Also he has so many cool cars Hersquos just been one of my favourite super heroes for a really long time Ricciardo in my opinion is just such a gem of a person He was an excellent driver and highly motivated Hersquos funnymdashnot in a conventional way but in that sobaditrsquosgood kind of way which is exactly my type of humour More importantly he has this presencemdashwhen he enters a room everyone feels at ease Irsquod love to be that kind of personOn a scale of 1 to 10 how masculine do you think you are 1 being the least masculine and 10 being the mostI donrsquot knowmdashmaybe a 6Do you think you were ever taught to be masculineAmong all the masculine figures in my life my father has undoubtedly been the most influential Though my father never explicitly taught me about masculinity or how to be a man Irsquove picked up things from him over time For instance he always carried heavy bags and never let my mother or grandparents lift them whether at home or while travelling I think thatrsquos very masculineHowever I also realised that my father is emotionally unavailable While he has always listened to my problems his solutions have been purely practicalmdashabout moving on and dealing with things rather than offering emotional support Irsquove also seen my mother struggle with thismdashshersquos had distressing moments because my father wouldnrsquot share things with her or was too reserved Thatrsquos one trait I donrsquot want to inheritldquoRicciardo in my opinion is just such a gem of a person He was an excellent driver and highly motivated Hersquos also so funny I want to be like himrdquo PicInstagramdanielricciardoYou mentioned that being stoic is a masculine trait Do you think itrsquos the same as being emotionally unavailableNo I donrsquot think so I think being stoic is about controlling emotions and acting rationally I can feel angry at a situation or a person but that doesnrsquot mean I should lash out at others On the other hand emotionally unavailable people donrsquot share their feelings at all and keep everything bottled up which often hurts the people around them So while I want to be stoic and have control over my emotions to behave properly I never want to be emotionally unavailable to the people I loveDo you know what your gender identity is or are you still figuring it outIrsquom straight Irsquom a heterosexual man Irsquove never doubted or questioned itSo you are attracted to womenYesldquoBatman is one of my role models because hersquos jacked and he saves people Also he has so many cool cars Hersquos always been my favourite super herordquo PicPinterestWhatrsquos your type Are you physically attracted to any particular kind of womanHonestly I donrsquot think I have a typemdashor at least not yet Irsquove realised that judging people by their looks is pointless Itrsquos all about whether I can have meaningful conversations with themmdashboth intellectual and brainrotting ones lolDo all your friends also avoid judging women based on their looksNo 999 per cent of them do judge women based on appearance Many are quite mean about it too I used to be friends with those guys but I quickly realised they werenrsquot good people so I distanced myself from them I found new friends who share my mindsetIf most of your friends judge women by their looks what made you think differentlyI grew up watching my older sister struggle with body image and mental health issues because people constantly fatshamed her Shersquos incredibly capable and has already achieved so much but people overlook that just because shersquos a few kgs heavier than them Thatrsquos why I know better than to judge a book by its coverInfluential figures such as Andrew and Tristan Tate also known as the Tate brothers and even tech guru Elon Musk are known to have controversial and problematic views about relationships women and are often seen promoting toxic masculinity These figures among others are often idealised by boys PicsGetty ImagesHave you ever been in a romantic relationshipYes twiceHow old were you at the start of these relationshipsMy first relationship was in grade 7 when I was 12 The second was in grade 10mdashI had just turned 15 when I asked her outWhat were your experiences like in these relationshipsI was very young in my first relationship and only dated her because she confessed her feelings for me I donrsquot think I ever actually liked hermdashit just felt nice to be likedThe second relationship was more meaningful We were friends first and I really liked that she was an interesting person and had a sense of humour However over time I started noticing red flags but ignored them She eventually broke up with me to focus on her studies for our board exams I understood that but she assumed wersquod get back together afterwards By then I had realised her red flags and didnrsquot want to get back together with herWhat were these red flagsToxicity mainly A big red flag for me is when someone talks negatively about others behind their backs If they do that to someone else what are the chances theyrsquore also talking about you behind yours My ex did that a lot Another issue was being stuck in the pastmdashafter our breakup she acted like we were still together and when I made it clear that I had moved on she lashed out at meHow did you feel when she lashed outHonestly indifferent I didnrsquot care muchHave you ever been angry at a significant other How do you handle angerYeah itrsquos natural to feel angry Irsquom not an angry person but I do experience the emotion from time to time In my second relationship my ex started ghosting me because she felt I talked too much about myself and my interests and didnrsquot focus on her enough when we would hang out with our friends in a group setting I was pissed at her for doing thatI tend to be passiveaggressivemdashI either go completely silent or lash out I havenrsquot lashed out in a while but when I do itrsquos usually at home with family never outsideHave you ever noticed your friends or peers being aggressive or toxic with their significant othersYeah more often than not Remember the friends I cut off Some of them were verbally abusivemdashthey would openly body shame and even insult their girlfriendsrsquo intelligence both seriously and as a joke Irsquove never had friends who were physically abusive but I did know a senior in school who once pushed his girlfriend down the stairs because he was mad at her That was really messed upAlso Irsquove seen so many people get into fights that go viral on Instagram because bystanders record and post them Some of these fights both in and outside of school have even landed people in the hospital with serious injuriesI honestly donrsquot get itmdashif I ever got into something like that my parents would probably kick me out of the house lolAre you active on InstagramDuh Who isnrsquotWhy do you have an Instagram accountThatrsquos a weird questionmdasheveryone else has one so I do tooDo you think social media influences your thoughtsYeah I guessmdashI love to brain rot content but mostly I just use Instagram to chat with friends look at car reels and post the occasional storymdashagain mostly about carsHave you ever heard the term lsquoincelrsquo beforeNo whatrsquos thatThe parenting dilemmaMothers of teenage boys share their experiences of parenting in an era where social media plays a dominant role in shaping their childrenrsquos perceptions and behaviours With constant exposure to anything and everything under the sun how open are their sons to candid conversations about relationships masculinity and emotional wellbeingAnupama DalalldquoAs a mother I would say that I am significantly involved in both my sonsrsquo lives and we share a level of comfort when discussing personal and romantic relationships While they do open up to me I have to admit that it is only partiallymdashI try to guide them to the best of my ability based on my own life experiencesI have noticed that in todayrsquos world external appearance often takes precedence over inner character There is constant pressure to prove oneself Teenage boys in particular experience this pressure feeling the need to appear masculine and behave in a certain way to fit in In my understanding and experience this not only leads to immature behaviour but also pushes them toward making poor decisions simply to meet societal expectations that are being set by social mediardquoSimran Bajaj name changedldquoAs a mother to two teenage boys I make a conscious effort to initiate conversations about relationships and the opposite gender With no other female figures in the house itrsquos crucial they understand the nuances of female existenceI have no hesitation in addressing topics openlymdashwhen my elder son turned 18 I directly asked if he was still a virgin It is no secret that teenage sex exists and if one finds the right person it is a natural part of growing up However sex comes with emotional complexities and it is crucial to channel those feelings properly for a healthy mindsetI think that communication barriers between parents and children have grown largely due to gadgets and online access to friends beyond school hours Secret meetings surprise birthday plansmdasheverything is meticulously coordinated with friends All they seem to need is cash or a credit card Some are even financially independent making parental oversight more challenging As a mother I worry about their safety and the people they interact with But hovering too much or helicopter parenting has its own drawbacks Itrsquos a conundrumrdquoWhat is AdolescenceAdolescence takes a deep dive into 13yearold Jamiersquos immersion in incel communities and the toxic world of social media bullying PicYoutubeNetflixAdolescence which premiegravered on Netflix just last week is a British crime drama miniseries created by Jack Thorne and Stephen Graham Directed by Philip Barantini the fourpart series delves into the turbulent realities of teenage life exposing the influence of online subcultures and the farreaching impact of digital spaces on young mindsAt the heart of the story is 13yearold Jamie Miller who is arrested for the murder of his classmate Katie Leonard As the case unfolds the series examines Jamiersquos relationships with those around him most notably his father Eddie Miller and his therapist Briony AristonThe narrative takes a deep dive into Jamiersquos immersion in incel communities and the toxic world of social media bullying offering a chilling exploration of youth radicalisation in this digital age While Jamiersquos story isnrsquot based on a single real life incident the creators have said that it was influenced by a handful of reallife reports of young boys involved in knife crimes in the United KingdomAccording to Cambridge Dictionary an incel is a member of a group of people on the Internet who are unable to find sexual partners despite wanting them and express hate towards people whom they blame for thislsquoWhen fathers or male role models exhibit toxic masculinity boys may grow up emotionally detachedrsquoDr Zirak Marker child adolescent and family Psychiatrist and PsychotherapistBoys begin to show fleeting interest in romance during early adolescence typically between 10 and 24 though maturity varies for each childrdquo notes Dr Zirak Marker a child adolescent and family Psychiatrist and PsychotherapistHe notes that exposure to social media movies TV shows and peer interactions can introduce relationship dynamics often in ways that are not ageappropriate No wonder Australia in a first for the world has approved a social media ban for children aged under 16 ldquoParenting also plays a crucial rolerdquo says Marker ldquoIf children grow up in households where parents have unhealthy relationships and involve them in fights or abuse they develop skewed perceptions of what a ldquonormalrdquo relationship should berdquo he explainsToxic masculinity he notes reinforces harmful male role expectations that prioritise strength and dominance over vulnerability and empathy ldquoWhen fathers or male role models exhibit toxic masculinity boys may grow up emotionally detached aggressive or violent toward women They struggle with rejection conflict or breakups and feel a need to assert dominancerdquo he notes ldquoThis intolerance often extends to strong successful or vocal women and can also lead to homophobia misogyny and resistance to gender equalityrdquoldquoThere have been instances in my experience in counselling sessions when adolescent boys sometimes expressed troubling and upsetting beliefs such as lsquoOur girlfriends like aggressionrsquo lsquogirls in our school sleep aroundrsquo and lsquothey need to be taught a lesson because they keep dumping usrsquo Such statements reflect a growing trend of intolerance impulsiveness disrespect and emotional detachmentrdquo he sharesFor parents Marker suggestsmdashldquoResolve family conflicts or marital discord with professional guidance and intervention by trained mental health professionals Try to be healthy role models for your children Be vulnerable gentle emotional teary open and honest with themrdquo