Does the Indian family need an update?

This is a generation that has grown up on Bollywood films about ldquoparivaarrdquo and ldquoparamparardquo think Hum Aapke Hain Koun Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham Hum Saath Saath Hain or Baghban to mention just a few On and on itrsquos been drilled into us that family is above all and we must do whatever it takes to keep it together even at great personal compromiseFrom the Ambanis to the Bachchans many of the wealthiest and most prominent families have never been known to speak out publicly about differences within the clan So when Bollywood musician Amaal Mallik nephew of famed music director Anu Malik posted on social media that he had cut ties with his parents his candour sent shockwaves across the film and music industry as well as the countryAmaal Mallik in a now deleted Instagram postMallik blamed his parents for his ldquodiminished selfworthrdquo and strained ties with his brother and fellow musician Armaan ldquoThrough the last many years they have left no opportunity to disturb my wellbeing and belittle all my friendships my relationships my mindset my selfconfidencerdquo reads his now deleted post which has since resurfaced on RedditWhile there are a few netizens who criticised the 29yearold composer for airing the familyrsquos dirty laundry a majority of fans have backed Mallik sympathising over rumours that he was sidelined by the family in favour of his younger brother One commenter on Reddit said ldquoYounger child will always be the parentsrsquo favourite and the elder one is always asked to adjust and compromise from childhood itselfrdquoIn a country where parents are seen as second only to god it may be surprising to see this outpouring of support for Mallik But this is also the generation that has pushed for personal freedom over all else breaking with the tradition of the great Indian joint family The National Family Health Survey 201921 shows that nuclear families now make up 58 per cent of households across the countrySociologist Dr Nilay Kumar a visiting Senior Professor at Mumbai University says family dynamics have changed greatly since the 1980s and rsquo90s ldquoTodayrsquos youth prioritise personal ambitions financial independence and individual growth over family Which is fair Nuclear setups are more conducive towards this as joint families bring other responsibilities like looking after the elderly children or other general choresrdquo he saysFrom right to left Amaal Mallik with his father Daboo Malik mother Jyothi and younger brother Armaan in happier times PicInstagram ArmaanMalllikItrsquos not always economics or lifestyle choices at play for queer people who are not accepted by their parents or those who suffer abuse sexual physical or emotional within the family going solo becomes the only option It only causes them further damage when society then criticises them for ldquobreaking the familyrdquo or ldquodamaging its sanctityrdquoldquoProlonged childhood experiences of being completely dismissed or neglected or where individual needs are not considered and healthy boundaries are not spoken about hints of family environments that have already lost sanctity If adults have a predominant experience of emotionally unhealthy family dynamics then the likelihood of staying away is even morerdquo says Sharine Jacob clinical psychologist and psychotherapist adding ldquoThe idea that parents or elders are always right is in itself problematic Such values are stiflingrdquoThis is one of the top reasons why many queer children end up moving out of their parental homes as soon as they are able to says Dr Kumar ldquoIn orthodox joint family setups parents often prioritise social prestige and family honour over their childrsquos wellbeing Confrontation in a joint family means societal judgment so people avoid itrdquo he addsDespite the changing dynamics traditional Indian joint families are unlikely to vanish entirely the sociologist says ldquoThey are evolving into hybrid modelsmdashsociologists call it lsquoproximatebutautonomous familiesrsquo or lsquosehchari parivaarrsquo where members and their spouses live separately yet nearbyhellip They eat separately and manage individual finances yet support each other in times of needrdquo adds Dr KumarBut a more radical change is emerging he points out particularly among urban youth who are increasingly rejecting familial institutions altogether ldquoThey want absolute independence no traditional bonds They are ready to abandon family structures entirely The coming decades will be fascinating to watchrdquo he says5837Of total Indian households are nuclear familiesSource National Family Health Survey 201921lsquoTherersquos a cultural fixation with keeping the family together no matter whatrsquoManju Mehta 30 Family structure Formerly lived in a joint familyWhere in Mumbai can you find a house big enough for a family of 13 Nowhere it turns out Which is why Manju Mehtarsquos name changed family bought three flats in Borivli and combined them to create a sprawling 9Bhk housemdashunheard of this city And yet with so many different personalities under one roof they still stepped on each otherrsquos toes from time to timeRepresentational piciStockThe household comprised her parents brother grandparents and the families of her dadrsquos two older brothers including their wives and two children each ldquoAs a kid it was pretty great growing up surrounded by my cousins I was never lonely But as we got older sharing my room meant that I rarely had a moment to myself Irsquod end up staying up till 3 am just for some peacerdquo recalls the marketing professionalThings were tough on her father too who was the youngest of three brothers and had the least say at home and in the family businessThings came to a head when the business suffered losses and all three brothers decided they had to separate their finances They sold their 9Bhk and got three separate flats not too far from each otherldquoI think the split happened just in time our ties are still amicable If we had waited any longer it would have got to the point where we couldnrsquot stand each otherrdquo says Mehta ldquoNot having your personal space can make family members resent each other Therersquos a cultural fixation on keeping the family together in the same house no matter what But itrsquos more important to have healthy boundaries and mutual respect in the family even if it means putting a little space between each otherrdquolsquoNever a dull moment in a joint familyrsquoMayank Agarwal 40Family structure Joint family with 11 membersThe first time software engineer Mayank Agarwal lived away from his family was when he was in the US for threeandahalf years from 2008 to 2010 ldquoWhen I was away I realised the importance of being close to family Thatrsquos why I chose to move back to Indiardquo he tells usMayank Agarwalrsquos left in yellow kurta family together and happyAgarwal his wife a senior HR executive and their two daughters aged seven and 10 live in a 4Bhk in Mulund that they share with his parents as well as his elder brotherrsquos family husband wife and their two daughters ldquoIn total 11 of usmdashincluding our fulltime domestic worker whom we count as a family membermdashlive togetherrdquo says Agarwal It can get noisy ldquobut thatrsquos what we wantrdquo he says ldquoTherersquos never a dull moment therersquos always someone else I can strike up a conversation with I donrsquot see such frequent conversations happening in nuclear families where couples may be tied up just balancing their careers and managing the householdrdquoJoint families get a bad rap over a lack of privacy and the higher likelihood of clashes with so many different voices under one roof But itrsquos a matter of perspective says Agarwal ldquoPeople these days look down upon joint families But disagreements happen in all families In a nuclear family would your first response be to tell the couple to split uprdquoItrsquos important to him to be there for his parents ldquowho have taken care of us all our livesrdquo but he also ensures to set aside time and attention for his personal equation with his wife and children ldquoThe four of us go on holiday every three to four months to not just rejuvenate ourselves but also keep our oneonone bonds strongrdquo he sayslsquoI hope more people find the courage to walk out of toxic homesrsquoKetki Lohakare 28Family structure Disowned parents in contact with sisterldquoI was 23 when I cut my parents out of my life and moved to Mumbairdquo says Ketki Lohakare an advertising professional who is now 28When Ketki Lohakare revealed she had disowned her parents she was inundated wth death threats she says PicNishad AlamHer childhood years were marked with ldquoemotional abuse and microdoses of toxicityrdquo from her parents over the smallest to biggest issues from violent fights over what TV show to watch to a complete refusal to acknowledge her pain when she confided how she had been sexually assaulted by her cousin when she was just nine ldquoThey said I was lying That was when I realised that I had no one to rely on but myselfrdquoThe breaking point came when she realised she was bisexual ldquoWhen my parents found out I was dating a girl they said lsquoWe wish we had left you on the road when you were a babyrsquo My father told me never to contact him againrdquo she recallsKetki Lohakare has gone zerocontact with her parents after years of emotional abuse and ldquomicrodoses of toxicityrdquo PicNishad AlamLohakare walked into a life of freedom but paid a huge cost for it ldquoThat price is being alone having no home no one to rely onrdquo says Lohakare who initially struggled to make it alone in Mumbai on a fresherrsquos salary of Rs 18000 ldquoThere were days when I had to choose whether to spend my last R10 on the train home or a vada pav for dinner I would go home drink water and go to sleeprdquoWith time she found her own support system her ldquochosen familyrdquomdashher close friend Divya and childhood confidante Nilay as well as her partner with whom she recently moved to Delhi They are her 1 am rideordie call her medical emergency contacts Advancing in the advertising field has also brought financial stabilityThe emotional scars will take longer to heal though ldquoMy parents took away my ability to trust people Everyone says your parents will always be there for you But I didnrsquot even have that Now I have a hard time accepting that others wonrsquot abandon me toordquo she saysBeing transparent about her family situation has exposed her to censure from society and even death threats ldquoI wrote about this on social media once and people threatened to kill me They said lsquoThis is not Indian culture how can you talk about your parents like thisrsquo But parents are also humans they can make mistakesrdquo says Lohakare adding that she hopes her story ldquogives courage to others thinking of leaving toxic homesrdquo lsquoWanted to be close to my parents but needed our personal space toorsquoDhruvi Shah Mota 37Family structure Lives with husband in same building as her parentsRight after writerpoet Dhruvi Shah Mota and her husband Prateek got married in 2018 they lived with her parents in Vile Parle for a couple of monthsldquoMy mum had just been diagnosed with cancer she is now cancerfree So I was keen on being close to herrdquo she recallsBut the couple quickly realised the need for their own space ldquoPrateek voiceover artiste actor and choreographer has odd working hours Sometimes he goes to work at 2 am and returns in the morning The erratic schedule is not easy on the rest of the household The two of us also enjoy entertaining at home but didnrsquot want to disturb my parentsrdquo says Mota adding that her inlaws live in BhopalAt first they moved to a flat five minutesrsquo driving distance from her parents During the COVIDinduced lockdown though even this distance proved to be a challenge ldquoIn 2020 when a flat became available in my parentsrsquo building we moved in Now my husband and I live on the third storey just one floor above my parents I have the mental security of knowing that we can be there for them There are days when my mum or I run out of groceries and we just climb the staircase and trade vegetablesrdquo she quipsWhen Mota right runs out of groceries she can simply borrow some from her mum PicAshish RajeShersquos glad to have the proximity to her parents even as she and her spouse have their own space ldquoWe can do what we like maintain our schedule and work whenwe want sleep when we want We have friends over a lotI work from home and itrsquos also nice having a quiet space for writingrdquo Mota saysatOptionskeyd0ddb8ef8f1a62a8cdd22fac27fc5ea7formatiframeheight90width728params