‘Sex? No thank you, we’d rather have cake’

On the day of my wedding everyone was happy except for merdquo says Harsh K 33 ldquoFor three years there had been a lot of pressure on me to get married but I dreaded the thought of the wedding night I didnrsquot know how to explain to my parents that I am asexualrdquo says the accountant from Thane who has since separated from his wifeAsexuality is a sexual orientation in which an individual experiences little to no sexual attraction Harsh is not alone while it is a small community there are more asexual people aces for short than one might expect According to Statista one per cent of the global population is asexual ldquoBased on that percentage the ace community in India estimates there are 145 crore of us in the countryrdquo says HarshDespite growing LGBTQiA awareness about ace erasure and acephobia sadly remain rampant both outside and within the community On April 6 observed as International Asexuality Day renowned Harry Potter author JK Rowling took to social media claiming asexuality isnrsquot real and that aces are just ldquostraight people who donrsquot fancy a quickierdquoNaina Shahri and Dr Kanchan PawarldquoI grew up reading Harry Potter and watching the movies Now to hear a childhood idol mock my identity is so hurtful but it is what I have come to expect from peoplerdquo says Harsh ldquoI have only once tried telling someone mdash my childhood friend mdash that I am ace I thought he would understand as he is gay But he just told me I would feel sexual attraction once I met the right personrdquo he recalls adding that he now regrets not having confided in his wife before their nuptials in 2019ldquoThere was a lot of parental pressure on my wife and I to have kids And of course my wife too had some expectations but I could not meet them It caused a lot of friction in the family Eventually I came clean to her and she filed for annulment of our marriage My family still hasnrsquot come to terms with it They took me to doctors suspecting I was suffering from some medical issue but this is just who I amrdquo says HarshldquoIn my experience Asexuality is a valid sexual orientation but there are very few people who are aware that this could be their sexual orientation Most patients visit complaining about little to no desire for physical intimacy or their partner complains about it and they feel guiltyrdquo says Dr Kanchan Pawar a queeraffirmative primary care physician based in Pune and medical advisor for Ally HeartldquoI do advise investigations if necessary to rule out hormonal and other issues if the history suggests otherwise In general I encourage clients who are confused or ambivalent to not hurry to label themselves as identifying with a specific gender identity or sexual orientation Itrsquos a process of self discovery and acceptance guided by empathetic nonjudgmental counsellingrdquo she saysIt causes immense damage to aces when they are dismissed even in quarters they expect to find safety in such as the queer community or therapists and doctors Unfortunately this is all too common ldquoA lot of asexual folks Irsquove spoken to have faced this mdash being told that their orientation is just a trauma response Thatrsquos not just incorrect it is also harmfulrdquo says Naina Shahri a queeraffirmative therapist ldquoAsexuality is a valid orientation itrsquos not a phase or dysfunction and it doesnrsquot need to be explained or fixed Yes trauma can affect onersquos relationship with sex but it is deeply problematic and incorrect to assume asexuality stems from traumardquo ldquoAces struggle to find spaces where they feel safe accepted and experience a sense of belonging Being excluded even from queer communities leads to further isolation and lonelinessrdquo she adds Asexuality can be especially difficult to wrap our head around as a society that is so prominently driven by sex marriage and procreation ldquoMy friend had asked me lsquoDonrsquot you want loversquo I told him lsquoIf sex can exist without love then why canrsquot love exist without sexrsquo For years I felt like no one would understand but last year I finally found understanding and love with my girlfriend who is also acerdquo shares HarshHe still gets curious sometimes intrusive questions from friends who want to know how their relationship works ldquoI donrsquot think itrsquos anyonersquos business honestly but I still answer because it might help people understand aces betterrdquo he says ldquoThe most common question we get is how do we experience intimacy if we donrsquot have sex To which I say there are different kinds of intimacy My partner and I are big on sensual intimacymdashhugs kisses skintoskin cuddling And therersquos emotional intimacy that all couples crave we are each otherrsquos safe space and favourite person She is the person who truly sees and knows me therersquos nothing more intimate than thatrdquoThe sweetest ace icon CakeThe ace community adopted cake as its symbol after it became a commonly used analogy online on the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network Many use cake to explain their orientation ldquoCake is wonderful and while many people like it some donrsquot and the same goes for sexrdquo Others explain that to them cake is better than sexlsquoHow to talk about it when sex itself is taboorsquoAbhramika Choudhuri 25Management professionalAce nonbinary heteroromanticI discovered I was ace during the COVID19 lockdown in 2020 when I came across the term online and related to itrdquo says Thaneresident Abhramika Choudhuri ldquoI am a very romantic person but until then I had a certain idea of what relationships are like based on what I had read or watched in mainstream media where sex is played up so much At first I was afraid that I would never find a partner or that my partner would have to compromise on their own sexual needs to be with merdquoAbhramika Choudhuri is a true romantic and says her love language with both her partner and friends involves physical touch PicAshish RajeThis fear in great part stemmed from her first relationship where she faced sexual abuse from her partner ldquoAces are significantly more prone to facing sexual assault in relationships because they are constantly being convinced that they are lsquobrokenrsquordquo Choudhuri saysWhen she was about 20 years old Choudhuri came out to her family Ironically one of the roadblocks she faced while coming out was ldquohow to talk about asexuality when sex itself is taboo while talking to Indian parentsrdquo ldquoI was open about sex with my mum and she tried to be understanding I came out to my dad a little later over a long email We have never spoken about it but he has never treated me differently because of itrdquoIn 2023 Choudhuri had her first taste of what a healthy relationship could look like ldquoI told him at the outset that I was ace and to my surprise he already knew what that meant He told me he wanted to be with me and could do without sex Because of that safe space with him I also got a chance to explore what kinds of physical intimacy I enjoyrdquo she saysldquoA huge part of my love language is physical touch I got the chance to explore kissing cuddling without the implication that it would lead to sexrdquo she shares Itrsquos important to note that taking sex off the table doesnrsquot mean that aces donrsquot have a complex and varied relationship with love and sensuality ldquoA lot of aces fantasise but might not act on it Some aces who arenrsquot sexaverse might also be willing to act out their fantasy in a partnership that feels safe and respects their boundariesrdquo says Choudhuri And what does she fantasise about ldquoSometimes I fantasise about cooking in the kitchen while my partner grabs me by the waist from behind and kisses merdquoA 2016 study of 351 asexual people and 388 sexual participants conducted at the University of British Columbia in Canada found that nearly half the ace women and threefourths of ace men have sensual or sexual fantasies and masturbate Notably both asexual and sexual participants were just as likely to fantasise about topics such as fetishes and BDSM the study found At community gatherings or panels ldquoaces have mentioned fantasising about things as varied as submissivedominance play or even just holding hands It depends on what they like and makes them feel saferdquo says ChoudhurilsquoI do feel the need for a partnerrsquoShilpa Kamble 36Genetics consultantAce heterodemiromanticGenerally people figure out if they are ace in their 20s but I was 32 when I realised itrdquo says Shilpa Kamble Thatrsquos partly because the Navi Mumbairesident spent her 20s utterly focused on her career and was content with her life as an independent young woman ldquoNow though I feel the need for a companionrdquo says KambleShilpa hopes to some day find a partner with whom she can adopt a child PicAtul KambleShe recalls a relationship in her youth that ended because she was not comfortable getting physically intimate At the time she had chalked it down to youth ldquoThen during the COVID19 pandemic I consulted a psychologist regarding professional ups and downs and the discussion led towards the fact that did not experience sexual attraction towards any gender which makes it difficult for me to think about any relationshipThe psychologist told me about asexual orientation I found relief after realising I identify as asexual I found the Indian Asexuals community set up by Raj Saxena and found others like merdquo she recalls When she came out to her family her sister told her ldquoThis disinterest in sex happens to all womenrdquo ldquoShe told me lsquoOnce you get married you will settle downrsquo It took time for my family members to understand itrdquo says KambleThere were some questions over whether it was a hormonal imbalance issue ldquoDuring my midtwenties I was also facing PCOS I was prescribed hormonal medication which did regularise my menstrual cycle and other symptoms but did not affect sexual attraction Asexuality has nothing to do with hormonesrdquo stresses KambleShe eventually went on to date a couple of people from the Indian Asexuals group But like any relationship there were challenges After all not all aces are the same ldquoWhen trying to meet other asexuals being antinatalist not wanting biological children I found it difficult to find a partner as there was always a pressure to have biological children from the men I talked to and their families Later I realised men do not come out as asexuals to their family I donrsquot judge them men face more stigma when they come out as ace because it raises questions on their masculinityrdquo says Kamble who says she hopes to some day find a partner whom she can adopt a child withlsquoDating as an ace is very difficultrsquoRaj Saxena 31Assistant professor of fine artsAce homoromanticMost aces discover their sexual orientation in their 20s or 30s Raj Saxena was just 17 when he realised there was something different about himldquoI was working at a call centre and colleagues would sometimes watch porn after their shift It disgusted me One of them showed me gay porn and while the sex still repulsed me I realised that I feel romantic attraction to menrdquo he recallsRaj Saxena founded the Indian Asexuals online forum in 2013 It now has hundreds of membersBut Saxena still didnrsquot have the words to describe what he was experiencing ldquoAt that time I thought the lsquoArsquo in LGBTQiA stood for lsquoAllyrsquordquo he says ldquoDating as an ace is very difficult more so if you are homoromanticrdquo says Saxena ldquoDating apps are all about hooking up for sex Not all aces reject sex it is a spectrum Some are sexfavourable if there is an emotional bond demisexual while some are completely sexaverse But there will always be men who will say things like lsquoJust try me I will change you from asexual to sexual And the gay community especially is hypersexualrdquoldquoIn the beginning I tried dating apps In 2013 one man I met locked me in a car and tried to force me into sex I yelled and fled This made me so afraid I deactivated all the appsrdquo he recalls Saxena then went to a therapist who told him his asexuality was ldquojust a phaserdquo and a ldquotrauma responserdquo ldquoIt was very disheartening to hear that from a counsellor But I went online and found some research material about asexualityrdquo recalls the Agra resident At a time when few in the world mdash let alone India mdash even knew the word Saxena set up the countryrsquos first online forum for the community IndianAsexuals in 2013 Hundreds of aces are part of this community and have gone on to find love with each other through its WhatsApp group chats and matchmaking initiatives Some of these services are chargeable most are notldquoAsexuals are like a minority within a minorityrdquo says Saxena ldquoEven in the queer community aces are perceived as weird because we donrsquot want sex People think itrsquos the same as celibacy celibacy is a choice and asexuality is notrdquoThe dating game is riddled with anxiety for aces ldquoWe have to keep confirming lsquoYou are okay if we never have sex right You are not expecting me to change my mind laterrsquo Irsquove dated people who pretended to be aces too for a few months and then started sending me porn clips saying they want to try the same positionrdquo says Saxena who is currently singleSome aces have found a middle ground in open or polyamorous relationships ldquoTheir need for love and emotional bonding is met and their partner can meet their sexual needs with someone else Some aces like me donrsquot want to share our partner The ace community is diverse including whom we are drawn towardsndashsome are drawn to men some to women and others yet may be panrdquo explains SaxenaldquoSometimes there are problems even if you find another ace because they may not be out Whoever I date in the future has to be out I want us to meet each otherrsquos families holiday together buy each other flowers go out to romantic dinners I donrsquot want to hide who I amrdquoGlossary of termsAmatonormativity The societal assumption that everyone desires an exclusive romantic relationship andor marriageAllosexual Individuals who experience sexual attraction to othersAsexual Individuals who donrsquot experience sexual attraction to othersDemisexual Individuals who only experience sexual attraction after an emotional bondGraysexual Individuals who experience infrequent or lowintensity sexual attractionSexfavourable While some aces are repulsed by sex sexaverse some do not mind sex with their partner sexfavourablelsquoAces fantasise pleasure themselves toorsquoOviya V 19Author educational activistAromanticasexual agenderIn school and college everybody talked about romance dating and sex Irsquod think to myself lsquoI understand some of the emotional and sensual connections yoursquore talking about but I donrsquot quite get the appeal of sex itself or being someonersquos romantic partner exclusivelyrsquordquo recalls author and activist Oviya VOviya V was just 17 when she realised she was aroace She wrote a book Being AroAce Insights and Representation to explain the nuances of the communityThey identify as aromanticasexual aroace which means they donrsquot experience romantic or sexual attraction towards any gender What they do experience is alterous a form of emotional attraction attraction or ldquothe desire to have a special emotional connection with someone and to spend quality time with that personrdquo They also experience sensual attraction which is the desire for physical touch and closenessHow is this different from a romantic relationship ldquoFeeling lsquobutterfliesrsquo or emotional excitement at the thought of dating them wanting to go on romantic dates wanting to be someonersquos special romantic person and being excited by it mdash this doesnrsquot apply to merdquo they explain In alterous attraction ldquoyou get emotionally intense about people but recoil at romantic expectationsrdquo they say recalling how at the age of 17 they first realised they might be ace ldquoI liked this person and told them about it but I also hoped they would not reciprocate Just the thought of being in a romantic relationship and being their lsquogirlfriendrsquo gave me the ick I was confused by my own reaction so I started researching and came across the term aromantic and alterous attraction and it began to make senserdquoAll the same itrsquos not like aroace people donrsquot want relationships it just has to respect their boundaries and needs ldquoPeople think that if yoursquore aroace you are incapable of emotions and love and donrsquot ever want a relationship mdash thatrsquos nonsense Everyone seeks and deserves love but there are different ways to get thererdquo says the teen author who has written about the aromantic asexual community in her book Being AroAce Insights and RepresentationRomantic attraction is just one of the paths or trains that lead to love just as alterous attraction Oviya explains while drawing us a diagramldquoTherersquos a big misconception that romantic attraction is the same as love it is just one of the paths that lead to loverdquo they say while drawing us a picture of two trains one labelled ldquoromantic attractionrdquo the other ldquoalterous attractionrdquo ldquoThe forms of attraction are different but both are headed to the same station Loverdquo they explain ldquoYou can add a sexual attraction bogey to the romantic train the standard depiction of relationships in mainstream media or a sensual attraction bogey to the alterous attraction Oviyarsquos experience but the destination stays the same mdash LOVErdquoWhat would Oviyarsquos ideal relationship look like ldquoI would love a queer platonic relationship QPR where my partner and I define the rules Unlike friendships which are strictly platonic and romantic relationships which are based on romance QPR can have various attractions such as alterous intellectual sensual mdash whatever the partners agree on A QPR is an exclusive relationship that can sometimes lead to marriage Some day Irsquod like to adopt a daughter with my partnerrdquoItrsquos also a myth that asexuality refers to low libido ldquothey are not connectedrdquo stresses Oviya ldquoMany aces have a sex drive itrsquos just not tied to sexual attraction to others Many aces fantasise many of them pleasure themselvesrdquo they confideatOptionskeyd0ddb8ef8f1a62a8cdd22fac27fc5ea7formatiframeheight90width728params