So how do we manage jealousy? In my own life, I have decided that I will not be afraid of this painful emotion. When I feel jealous, I follow a simple routine. I first try and understand the reason for it and accept it without trying to “conquer” it. I let it flow through me and settle. The heartburn is horrible — a bit like drinking neem juice — but it’s okay; it’s good for health. I attempt to remember the love I experience with that partner, and recall that I know their heart is large enough to accommodate more than one person. I have found that the best way to cope is to restrain myself from blaming the partner, and instead, telling myself, “This is how I am feeling and this feeling is my responsibility”. I know that I can also ask for my partner’s help. So sometimes, I share my feelings with my partner, if I feel they will listen with patience. One of the worst ways to experience jealousy is to do so without any protection or safety net from the partner. Again, it is important that we share this feeling without accusation, and while they should listen with care, they should do so without feeling guilty. This depth of trust comes with time and communication. Every time I have come out of one of those hellish spiralling jealousies, I have felt liberated and alive.

There are ways to support a partner’s jealousy too, especially when they are not good at handling jealousy on their own, or have not had enough practice doing so. Listening to their fears and fumes without judgement is the first and hardest step. They may doubt our love, disregard all the good things in the relationship, blame us for feeling miserable, or burden us with guilt — it is important to listen with kindness and not react to the outpouring of emotions. Reassurances sound very empty at this time. But after the haze of it has passed, I have found partners remembering and acknowledging my support. The worst way to help a lover is to get all rational on them at this point, or justify one’s actions, or even recall agreements one has made in the relationship that do not have any space for jealousy. Jealousy is not a rational affair; it is an emotion that needs to play itself out, especially by those who are new in the craft of managing it. Waiting patiently, with a ready and steady shoulder for leaning on, is the best way for a partner to walk through this difficult region.