The new KINDa man: How more Indian men are adapting to being 'softboi'

Gen Z calls them ldquosoftboirdquo those of us from earlier generations call them a gentleman This is the man who remembers that you love butterscotch ice cream that you hatelove flowers as an apology or that soft toys are your selfsoothing indulgence despite being a fullblown adultFrom Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudice to Conrad Fisher in The Summer I Turned Pretty we love to fantasise about the wholesome and thoughtful man who is kind without seeking a reward for it But in a world where men are more preoccupied with being the alpha or the top dog mdash thanks to the Andrew Tates of the world mdash the gentleman has become an endangered speciesShubham Soni is a 25yearold scientist who went from burnout to therapy where he learnt the importance of selfcare and having tough conversations with his friends PicAtul KambleYoung men today are fighting a solitary battle across college campuses and workplaces to hold on to the softness in their hearts refusing to succumb to the popular culture of ldquomacho menrdquo and ldquoboys will be boysrdquo One of them is Dvij a 20yearold who has contributed over 70 stuffed animals to his girlfriendrsquos collection over the three years they have been together In a photo essay for a college assignment that he shared with us he writes ldquoPlushies are more than just soft toys they are a warm hug for the soulrdquo The essay goes on to talk about eight of them with their name and characteristics and how his girlfriend values each because it brings her comfort Dvij tells us that he really doesnrsquot care if other men feel this is too ldquopansyrdquo or ldquogayrdquo mdash both words used by his classmates quite liberally to describe himCurrently pursuing his second year in a South Mumbai college Dvij feels that most social norms for ldquowhat makes a manrdquo are very toxic Empathy and openness ought to be celebrated as a virtue in anybody and yet it led to Dvij being ostracised by other boys and now young men his age for being ldquotoo softrdquo ldquoMany think I am gay and in the closet just because of the way I actrdquo he says ldquoThere is so much wrong with this thought that if you are kind you must be gayrdquoGeorges Cheruvelil and wife Jisha chat in their childrenrsquos home in Borivli The couple are trying to raise their daughter and son without any special treatment or gender bias PicSatej ShindeThe archetype of the macho man or alpha male that has no room for kindness or any kind of softness has been entrenched even deeper in the minds of many youth through the ldquomanosphererdquo a digital ecosystem of masculinity influencers such as selfproclaimed misogynist Andrew TateAs a young man trying to have a healthy romantic relationship and friendships Dvij tries to not be too judgemental but there are some red flags he has learnt to look out for ldquoThere was a disagreement between two of my friendsrdquo he recalls ldquoand I was trying to listen to both sides Then I happened to hear one of them listening to Andrew Tate and I immediately distanced myself from the situation I look out for such things now such as what media a person consumes or readsrdquo He is a big fan of the recent Superman movie starring James Gunn that has admittedly featured the most emotionally mature version of the iconic superhero and the Percy Jackson seriesShubham Soni says he wants to be open in a relationship and collaborate with his future partner PicAtul KambleThe other assumption is that a kind person must be a pushover Indeed people have taken advantage of Dvijrsquos kindness in the past leading him to be more careful about who he trusts ldquoI want to be someone that people think of as reliable and kind I am also a people pleaser I guessrdquo he admits ldquoBut I choose whom to pleaserdquoThe path to reaching this version of himself has been lonely especially in school but undergraduate has worked hard to find friends and a romantic partner in college who allow him to be himself ldquoI know that being nonmacho will not make me less attractive to her his girlfriend in fact it helpsrdquo he chucklesConrad Fisher from The Summer I Turned Pretty has been hailed as a softboi that the whole world has fallen forWhen we first put out a call on social media looking for men who donrsquot believe in aggressive masculinity we received responses from women that ranged from ldquoIf you find this man please let me knowrdquo to ldquoLol good luckrdquo to the more hopeful ldquoMy boyfriend is onerdquo There were some men who volunteered themselves with slight trepidation ldquoIs there a qualifying test I believe I fit the criteria accompanied by the tears of joy emojirdquo states the response from Shubham Soni that tickled our funny bone as well as curiosityldquoI grew up in Mumbai but pursued my Masters in Pondicherry and lived for a bit in Bengaluru so I think these cities have contributed to how I conduct myselfrdquo he addsRahul Gandhi has been christened as Indiarsquos softboi Shortly later the 25yearold tells us over a phone call that his journey to selfawareness started with selfcare and therapy Soni who is pursuing a PhD in Lithuania on ecology and the behaviour of animals is currently back home in Mumbai for a short break He recalls how his hectic schedule mdash prepping for BSc finals fieldwork at 5 am on Sundays rejection from universities with Masters programmes mdash during the final year of his undergraduate studies had led to burnout He signed up for free therapy sessions with psychology students at the varsity ldquoOne of things I learned from these sessions is lsquosmart goalsrsquo where you break down your calls and create a goal that is specific measurable and timebound These are more doable itrsquos a tool I use till daterdquo he addsOne form of selfcare eventually taught Soni to show himself grace in other ways too such as being unafraid of vulnerability Ever the scholar he is a big fan of Breneacute Brown an American academic who is known for her work on vulnerability and leadership When it comes to his friendships too Soni is not one to avoid a hearttoheart talk He recalls a conversation with a friend whom he no longer saw eyetoeye with on a lot of things ldquoWe felt that we were on very different growth paths and tried to address the differences but for the time being we decided to end the friendshiprdquo he recallsBluey is one of the 70 plushies that Dvij gave his girlfriend and was a part of a photo essaypresentation that he made in classHis career is the singlemost important thing for him right now he says adding that he doesnrsquot have time for either romance or friendships that donrsquot contribute to his well being He is open to a romantic relationship in the future and wants to be ldquoopen to change and empathetic towards my partnerrdquo Itrsquos easier said than done though he says ldquoWe have internalised patriarchy to such an extent that it takes a conscious effort to understand it is absolutely normal for a man to cook everyday in the household Lastly I wish to be with someone with whom I can simply sit talk and figure things out with easerdquo he addsGeorges Cheruvelil is a 39yearold adtech professional and is known to be a loving husband and kind father to a threeyearold son and eightyearold daughter A cousin of his says she is grateful that her niece has a role model like James ldquoMen like him give us hoperdquo she tells usldquoShe is being too kindrdquo Cheruvelil responds when he tell him about this over the phone Both he and his wife Jisha had an arranged marriage 10 years ago and he was careful to assuage any apprehensions she had before moving in with a new family ldquoWe had an arranged marriage but we were speaking for around six months before since she is from Bengaluru one of the few things that she feared was size of homes in Mumbai and how we would manage because we stay with our parents and at the time my grandmother was there too but I think some of those fears were put to rest when her family came homerdquo he recalls ldquoWhile she was also worried about the family dynamics she didnrsquot really want to stay separately in fact she insisted that she wanted to live in a joint family but these were initiallyissues we talked about and slowly we came to an understandingrdquoHe does confess that being an only child did lead him to being spoiled silly but he has made efforts to break the cycle with his children ldquoMy grandma was a large part of my upbringing and she grew up in a very traditional home so she wouldnrsquot let my dad enter the kitchen as far as possible and I was part of that special treatment as well So simple things like after food keeping the plate back It wasnrsquot expected of me But now that Irsquom a father and even though my son is only threeyearsold I have tried to raise my daughter and him with the same valuesrdquo he addsTalking about his male friendships James mentions that he grew up during the peak of the WhatsApp forwards era ldquoThere used to be a lot of lsquowife jokesrsquo in these forwards Irsquove consciously tried to distance myself from the senders although it is unavoidable in some casesrdquo he addsHis approach to conflict too has matured over the years especially if itrsquos a political disagreement ldquoEarlier I would argue with someone over them propagating hate politics but now I know better I just donrsquot engagerdquo At the age of 35 Avinash Shahri a human resource consultant breaks down the interplay of male friendships ldquoAmong men itrsquos like lsquoWho is the bigger badsrsquo But this kind of masculinity is very lsquoyesterdayrsquo This is a toxic loop that men indulge in It benefits no one including the socalled alpha man because everyone ends up hating that person This makes the experience of being in a group of male friends thrilling for a few moments but lonely otherwise Which is why I have a few real friends and I really cherish the synchronicity among usrdquo he saysShahri is also a source recommended by a woman friend and the lsquowhyrsquo is reflective throughout the chat as he tells us that his first religion has always been kindness On his equation with his wife he says ldquoWith her itrsquos active kindness and empathy everyday mdash in small things and big As long as one understands and accepts that therersquos work to be done on oneself thatrsquos all that counts in every relationshiprdquo he ends His wife Rinku Gajria says that the best thing about him is that ldquohe always makes me feel safe and secure in our relationshiprdquo ldquoOur relationship is more like a partnership we motivate and inspire each other to bring out the best versions of ourselvesrdquo she addsWhatrsquos the biggest nono for her ldquoI think for both of us itrsquos disrespecting each otherrdquo Well no wonder it seems to workAniket Wakankar works with redefining masculinityAniket WakankarWakankar who worked with The Gender Lab for six years went to schools across the city and spoke to boys who were in the age group of 12 to 13 ldquoWe used to ask boys to draw what man looks like and you would get a man with strong muscles or someone who is going to work Then we would show them the movie Bombay Talkies were the lead is a boy who wants to dance and wears his sisterrsquos clothes and uses momrsquos jewellery We come back to their drawing and ask them if that boy is like those drawings Then we ask questions like can men and boys wear bangles I try to frame it as ldquoIf this was me can I wear banglesrdquo They slowly begin to get the idea of how gender can be non traditional Most of them in class 8 are open to change but we have observed that when we speak to boys in class 9 they are suddenly very rigid of their gender roles and stuck to what the roles were very stereotypicalrdquo he says ldquoIt just proves the innumerable research that we have that says to address gender roles when men are young the younger the betterrdquo he addsWhat is the next gen likeNeha D Gupta image consultant and founder of The Finishing SchoolldquoA lot of my clients are couples especially working professionals A lot of times men are brought there by their wives A lot of men are open to change and know that their partner is doing something for their collective future Only a few times have I seen a man be a little stubborn to change and push back Itrsquos usually the younger men whom I see having a lot of issues Gen Z and older men are held up to extremely high standards of having to be lsquoone of the boysrsquo even at the workplacerdquoRakshanda INAM PsychotherapistldquoToxic masculinity can also be termed as narcissism and nobody wants a partner like that Women are changing as well and want a partner and not a dictator and also in the same breath we are seeing a lot of relationships ending because of a refusal to change However I am also working with a 19yearold boy who is called a sissy because he carries a medical kit in his bag but is comfortable in his skin He does question himself when he is being bullied He needs occasional reassurance to know that he is on the right path We are raising a kinder generation now because a lot of mothers are making an effort in raising their male child with empathyrdquo