Career, household chores, child care, hobbies: Can women have it all?

I never wanted to marry I knew it would end like thisrdquo says Akanksha Sharma a 33yearold FMCG marketing researcher ldquoI have a highly demanding job that requires me to travel a lot across the country I enjoy the chance to flex my thinking muscles but I do think that it leaves little room for familyrdquoThe Navi Mumbai resident is currently in the midst of getting a divorce from her businessman husband a year after their wedding ldquoI was perfectly happy beforemdashI have a wellpaying job that funds all my needs as well as holidays around the world For emotional needs I rely on my tight circle of friends and parents But my parents insisted that I would not have a lsquocomplete lifersquo until I marriedrdquo she recallsldquoWhy canrsquot you have both career and familyrdquomdashItrsquos a common refrain that Sharma and countless other women hear Relatives give examples of successful women that have seemingly made it work balancing both marriage and work as well as child care travel and their personal hobbies But therersquos often an army of domestic workers behind them as well as supportive husbands who believe that a womanrsquos career is just as important as a manrsquos Not all women have these advantagesldquoMy ex didnrsquot understand that my career was never just about bringing money home itrsquos also about my personal fulfilmentrdquo says SharmaSharma isnrsquot the only one choosing personal growth and career advancement over marriage and children As per Census 2011 India already has the largest cohort of single women in the world numbering over seven croremdasha figure thatrsquos larger than the entire population of the UK France or Switzerland At the same time more women are now entering the workforce Data from the 202223 Periodic Labour Force Survey indicates that female labour force participation rate FLFPR is now at 37 per cent a considerable increase compared to the alltime low of 23 per cent in 2017 With less than half the female population employed though this figure is still very lowGender roles play a major part in this Although women are now encouragedmdashin fact even expectedmdashto pursue careers it is with the tacit understanding that they cannot slack on domestic duties such as cooking or child care which are conventionally considered ldquowomenrsquos workrdquoldquoWomen carry most of the burden of care work in India and all of this is unpaid invisible work Government data shows that women do 56 hours of unpaid labour every day while men do 30 minutesrdquo says Mitali Nikore feminist economist and founder of policy think tank Nikore Associates Career women who are married with or without children are essentially working two jobs Society knows this to be an impossible burden which is why we call them ldquosuperwomenrdquoDr Dhrupti Dedhia Mitali Nikore Seema Hingorrany and Sarah TribhuwanOnly in recent years have we seen an effort to split household tasks between husband and wife in an attempt towards 5050 partnerships Largely though things remain much the same pushing a majority of women towards burnout A 2024 World Bank report indicates that about a third of working women in the country quit their jobs after marriagemdasha phenomenon that is tellingly named ldquomarriage penaltyrdquoAt times men make the choice for themmdasha 2022 study on Shaadicom found that women who want to continue working postmarriage face a drop of 11 per cent in positive responses from men when compared to women who have never worked The stress gets worse upon motherhood a 2018 study by Ashoka University found that a staggering 73 per cent of Indian women quit their jobs after becoming mothersldquoWomenrsquos domestic labour is unpaid but is a major contributor to the countryrsquos GDPrdquo says Nikore ldquoOur estimates suggest that its economic value ranges between 15 and 17 per cent of the countryrsquos GDP This is about the same as the manufacturing industryrsquos contributionrdquoIncreasingly women are rejecting the notion that they must do it all singlehandedly ldquoYou canrsquot be the best employee in the office and the best wife and mom all at the same time The stress of trying to achieve this trifectamdashand the shame that comes when one of the balls inevitably dropsmdashis causing health issues among womenrdquo says Dr Dhrupti Dedhia obstetrician and gynaecologist ldquoI see women coming in with stressrelated issues such as Polycystic ovary syndrome PCOS irregular periods premature ovarian failure autoimmune conditions hair loss and excessive weight gain or lossrdquoldquoYounger women find it harder to manage the strain they learn to balance things better in their 40srdquo says clinical psychologist Seema Hingorrany ldquoI think itrsquos possible for women to have it all but not at the same time Their 20s and 30s are the years to work hard but once theyrsquore in their 40s and are stable in their careers I tell them itrsquos time to enjoy everything they have missed out onmdashwhether itrsquos travel socialising with friends or hobbiesrdquoMany are choosing to delay motherhood says Sarah Tribhuwan recruitment specialist at HR Yaar Consulting Services ldquoWomen are increasingly having kids later in their lives so they can focus on their careersrdquo she says ldquoWomen at senior levels tend to be better placed at handling both parts of their lives mostly due to the added financial stabilityrdquo The same reasoning is now prompting women to freeze their eggs while still in their 30s in the hope that ldquothis will keep their options open to start a family in their 40s when they are likely to have more career and financial stabilityrdquo says Dr Dedhia adding ldquoThis way they can have the best of both worldsrdquoJust as women are no longer scared to ask their partners to lend a hand at home at the office too they now seek benefits such as flexible working hours that make worklife balance a real possibility ldquoWhile salary and career growth are definitely strong factors for candidates considering a job offer in my experience women do tend to focus more on factors like flexitime weekends off commute time and distance and bring these things up as nonnegotiables right at the beginning of the hiring processrdquo says Tribhuwan adding ldquoOne candidate had shared how she had to quit as among other things the company would make her stay 1520 minutes late a few days a week The delay was untenable as she had to go home and cook and the familyrsquos dinner would be delayedrdquoAs for reforms in the workplace ldquowhat we need is innovationrdquo says Nikore ldquoJust the way we have our pension fund why canrsquot we have a parental leave fund If you plan to have children a portion of your salary can be put aside in this fund and the employer can also contribute to it This is a genderneutral fund that will enable parental leave for both genders and also cost the company less If you make any rule that is only for women and costs the employer it will result in discrimination This is what we see with paid maternity leave for six monthsmdashemployers avoid hiring womenrdquo Herersquos hoping for a better world in the future that makes it so both men and women can have it alllsquoDonrsquot always get to spend time with my daughterrsquoTanya Mehra 32 mom influencer Divorced single momIt takes a village to raise a child My village comprises my two fulltime staffers and one parttime domestic workerrdquo says Tanya Mehra a Gurgaon resident with a fourandhalfyearold daughter Noor When she got pregnant Mehra quit a highpaying job with Ernst amp Young because she knew managing a 12hour job with a baby and zero help would be impossible Then two years ago she got divorced She now supports her child and household on her own steam with the income as a mom influencer and child nutritionistldquoEven when we were married my exhusband did not contribute with household chores or child carerdquo she recalls Now with none of her family members residing in the same city ldquothe only way I could manage it is by hiring fulltime help I have to work because I need to support my child and run my home But it also means that sometimes I donrsquot get to spend as much time as I would like with Noor There are no weekends with my profession so I donrsquot get time off but I do have flexible work hours so I spend quality time with her whenever I get the chance But Irsquod any day pick this over being dependent on a spouse or a 12hour job for financesrdquo Debjani PaullsquoSupportive husband workplace make all the differencersquoBhawna Thakur 34 Team manager at an MNC Married with a 17monthold sonBhawna Thakur and her husband Shivam an emotional intelligence coach count themselves lucky because they work from home This means they can split childrearing duties equitably along with other household chores They donrsquot have a nanny but both have flexible schedules and can plan work around their son Vedrsquos meal and play times So if Thakur needs a quiet hour for a meeting Shivam watches their toddler who ldquonever sits still and is constantly roaming around the houserdquoBut theyrsquore also conscious that not all tasks can be swapped ldquoBoth of us believe that the careers of women and men are equally important but there are some things only moms can do such as breastfeedingrdquo says Thakur ldquoBut because I have the advantage of a husband who is available at home and is willing to pick up his share of care work I can continue to focus on my career and also pursue other interests like travellingrdquoThakur also counts among her blessings a considerate workplace where pregnant employees are not sidelined but supported Disclosing her pregnancy did not stall her promotionmdashit came through a few weeks before her maternity leave began ldquoAfter my leave ended I asked to work from home and my employers agreed A supportive husband and workplace make all the differencerdquo she saysThere are costs to it all of course ldquoI am up and about either working or taking care of Ved from morning till night Itrsquos exhausting And then I sometimes have latenight calls with international teams and I have no choice but to attend even when I can hear Ved crying for me in the next roomrdquo she rues Debjani PaullsquoI decided to ditch the guiltrsquoDigisha Shah 35 Founder DSPR Married with a 3andahalfyearold daughterIt was only after two years of having my daughter Irina that I felt a bit myselfrdquo says Shah founder of public relations and digital marketing agency DSPR ldquoBefore that I barely had time for myself There was a lack of discipline and exercise and selfcare It was either baby or workrdquoBut in the last year Shah has worked actively on getting her life back He inlaws live in the same building and spend a lot of time with their granddaughter freeing up Shahrsquos time to spend on herself Her sisters as well have chipped in a great deal so that the 25yearold can get time offldquoI exercise nowmdasheither yoga or a walk in the building I donrsquot do anything hat needs me to reach somewhere at a certain time as I donrsquot think I can manage that But I push myself to get up and move my body every dayrdquo She also takes 45 minutes of metime every night after her daughter goes to sleepldquoit could be to scroll plan my next vacation or shop onlinemdashI decided that I canrsquot feel guilt about all this anymore My husband who also has a very hectic life and I now actively make plans to go out and meet our friends as well It doesnrsquot happen overnightmdashit takes time to get to that place where you can take decisions like focusing on yourself I am happier and I feel more purposeful when I do that and hence I become a better mother as wellrdquo Aastha Atray BananlsquoThe entire system is rigged so that men can have it allrsquoDhara Kapadia 35 luxury brand strategist Married and childfreeA decade ago Dhara Kapadia decided she was not going to have children While the climate crisis and increasingly conservative political environment were major factors in her decision financial stability was another major reason ldquoI now increasingly believe that even women with the financial resources canrsquot necessarily have it all because we live in a society where women are expected to take on a vast majority of domestic responsibilities If therersquos a child in the house the responsibility of their care more often than not falls on the woman And whatever career you have would be in addition to these other responsibilities Irsquove seen other women burn outrdquo she saysBut when she tells friends that she doesnrsquot intend to have children ldquothey donrsquot understand my choice Itrsquos not that I donrsquot like kids I love them But I simply donrsquot think this is the kind of world I want to bring a child intordquo she says Instead she chooses to focus on her work marriage and other passions such as art yoga and swimmingldquoWersquove been taught the wrong idea of what it means to have it all Instead of teaching women that we can do our jobs and run our homes and raise the kids why donrsquot we tell them lsquoYou donrsquot have to do all the housework your partner will helprsquordquo says the Breach Candy resident who got married in 2023Figuring out how to divide domestic duties while juggling their individual careers was a learning curve for both her and her partner ldquoto get to a place where we were both sharing responsibilitiesrdquo ldquoI had to unlearn my internalised patriarchy while he came to terms with what it really means to be a 5050 partnerrdquo she recalls adding ldquoThe entire system is rigged so that men can have it allrdquo Debjani PaullsquoSisterhood has been a saviourrsquoPriyanka Ravikant Kamble 50 househelp Married mother of two 25 sonsTHE 50yearold who works as a househelp says that itrsquos very hard to have it allmdashand that for her itrsquos never been an option ldquoI make breakfast and leave home in the morning then go work at two houses When I come back I cook lunch Then in the evening my husband insists I stay at home Then itrsquos time to make dinner Where is the timerdquoBut Kamble does do a lot more Not only is she the sole breadwinner of her house she also runs a Bachat Ghar with 10 other women who all work as househelps which forms a kitty of sorts that the women can take a loan from if the need arises She also teaches children at the neighbourhood Budh Vihar ldquoI really canrsquot go anywhere and have no time to spend on myselfrdquo she laughs But she says she now meditates early in the morning before anyone at home gets up ldquoI feel happy when my children do well I feel happy teaching the children I also feel happy spending time with other womenmdashwho show me lot of love Sisterhood has helpedrdquo Aastha Atray BananHard to be a new mum and work says RadhikaSometimes having it all can look like actor and new mother Radhika Apte breastpumping at the British Academy Film Awards 2025 ldquoItrsquos hard to be a new mum and workrdquo the Andhadhun star posted on Instagram She has also remarked in the past about how it was tough working on projects while she was pregnant shooting at 40degC during the first trimester with one film set not displaying any consideration for her condition3737Female labour force participation rateSource Periodic Labour Force Survey 2022234037Gender pay parity in IndiaSource World Economic Forum 20247337Of Indian women quit their jobs after becoming mothers13Proportion of Indian women that quit work after marriageSource 2024 World Bank7 croreNo of single women in the countrySource Census 200156No of hours of unpaid domestic labour women do every day05No of hours of unpaid domestic labour men do every day