Tired of dating apps? Here is how singles are falling in love offline again

More than ever yoursquoll hear people say ldquoI want to meet someone organicallyrdquo But how do you go about meeting someone new in the wild Does the online generation even know how to date someone IRL Do singlesrsquo events work or is it just a recipe to trigger social anxiety Sunday midday finds out the good bad and the ugly of offline dating and whether it truly is time to make a switch and touch some grassUp 2 Date IRL an events company that holds singles events throughout the city Since its launch in 2022 the firm has organised about 25 such meetups till date such as pickleball mixers attended by over 2000 peopleAanchal AgrawalUp 2 Date IRL is among a bunch of startups that have taken over the cityrsquos offline dating scene which has seen a surge in the last couple of years After nearly a decade of swiping left and right on our screens mdash Tinder the first dating app to enter India launched here in January 2016 mdash singles are fed up of staring into their screens What once seemed like a revolution for dating has now turned partners into mere swipes dates into talking stages and love into situationshipsChitra Balachandra has been on the apps for five years but would prefer to find a match in the wild Itrsquos to fill this gap in the market that she has now started curating offline mixers for other singles PICKIRTI SURVE PARADEWe embark on our first experiment when an advert for a singlesrsquo event by Social Sailor titled ldquoPitch a Friendrdquo piques our curiosity Itrsquos a new dating concept where participants can bring along a friend as a wingmanwoman to literally pitch them mdash armed with a PPT deck mdash as a fun date to a room full of singles As cowriters of this piece we spend a precious Sunday afternoon creating PPT decks for each other Imagine our disappointment when we get there and see just a handful of people turn up And worse not a single one of them is single or available to date in the city We encounter a married man an influencer whorsquos there with her boyfriend to document the meetup and two students from Indore looking for a casual night of board gamesConfused we turn to the host and learn that they simply didnrsquot get enough registrations Instead of notifying us theyrsquove combined participants from three different events mdash a board game night a Truth and Dare social and the mixer we had actually signed up for And so we resign ourselves to playing Truth and Dare with complete strangers Red flagIn Assisted Dating participants are set up on stage by comediansOn reaching out to Social Sailor no response was forthcoming till the time of going to press It turns out that while the apps may suffer from the ldquoillusion of choicerdquo offline events struggle to garner enough options Many donrsquot show up and skewed maletofemale ratios are a problem most organisers face Itrsquos a problem that Aili Seghetti founder of The Intimacy Curator has had to get creative to resolve Itrsquos one of the few organisations in the city that caters to the niche kink community mdash think BDSM swinging foot fetish among others mdash apart from also hosting queer and heterosexual dating eventsKink events need a lot of preparation and passes can often cost thousands but that still doesnrsquot stop the noshows ldquoFirsttimers can get nervous and decide not to show Letrsquos not forget this is Mumbai mdash sometimes people just give up after getting stuck in traffic especially when theyrsquore already nervousrdquo Seghetti saysHer solution was to change tack and organise smaller more intimate gatherings that are less daunting For instance she held a supper club for pansexuals last week hosting multiple tables of six participants ldquoResearch has shown that six is the magic number mdash just enough people to keep things interesting and offer multiple options and not too many people as to seem intimidatingrdquo says Aili ldquoWe host each table at a different venue but all in close proximity In case of lastminute cancellations we can combine tablesrdquoSingles can mingle Elevnrsquos activityfocused events like this spin socialThe cofounder of Up 2 Date IRL tells us that they go to immense efforts to make sure that not only are there enough people but also that the gender ratio remains equal ldquoWith the apps men donrsquot get enough matches and women get too many Even we get more event registrations from more menrdquo he says ldquoWe put the men on a waitlist For every woman that registers we let a man inrdquo he says ldquoWersquove even rescheduled events if we couldnrsquot get enough people or an equal ratio If the same person has attended an event four to five times we ask them to register after some timerdquoThe founders put their money where their mouth is ldquoItrsquos very important to get enough people there Till date performance marketing on social media remains our biggest marketing spend up to 50 per cent of our outlay just to get people in thererdquoWhether offline dating works for someone or not depends entirely on the mindset For 28yearold Gaurav Vohra the apps just felt too impersonal ldquoIt felt like I was window shoppingrdquo he says ldquoOffline it is way easier to read people and bounce off their energy I find that people are much kinder to you as well You canrsquot ghost someone to their facerdquoAn art mixer hosted by Gay BombayVohra attended a singles event called ldquoBig Deck Energyrdquo recently in Delhi The concept is similar to Pitch a Friend and it ldquohookedrdquo Vohra He ended up with two ldquomatchesrdquo from the event one of which he hopes to explore more in the futureWhile dating events might seem nervewracking to many mdash a room full of strangers is an introvertrsquos nightmare And yet Vohra finds that he ldquolikes the nervesrdquo ldquoThe nervousness you feel itrsquos part of the romance The hichakichaahat hesitation is romanticrdquo he saysPerhaps the nerves kick in because inperson the stakes feel much higher Wersquore more likely to present our authentic selves when we canrsquot hide behind curated profile photos and bios Sachin JainAs a single woman in her 30s postdivorce intention and authenticity is what draws Chitra Balachandran to the offline scene as well From being catfished on apps with AIgenerated photos to being accused of witchcraft Balachandran has a whole host of dating horror stories ldquoIrsquove been on the apps for upwards of five years nowrdquo she says ldquoI would still far prefer to meet someone offline The greatest upside is just being able to do an actual vibe check of the other person Itrsquos very easy to fake things online even banter can be manufactured with the help of ChatGPT But when you meet someone in person you can sense right away if therersquos any chemistryrdquoBalachandran now uses her dating experience to curate fun offline mixers for singles mdash events that she wishes shersquod had access to From planning meetups at vintage vinyl clubs and to pet cafes to centreing the event around activities such as indoor climbing and spin cycling she sets the singles up for success ldquoIt gives you that common ground when you meet someone at an indoor climbing mixer you already know both of you enjoy climbing and physical activity Itrsquos an easier place to start from and helps quell any social anxiety Besides itrsquos fun Whether you end up matching with someone or not you still have a good timerdquo saysthe brand strategist content creator and advocate for better dating experiencesAili Seghetti founder of The Intimacy Curator leads a sensorial dating event in the cityItrsquos the same philosophy that inspired Up 2 Datersquos Pickleball mixer ldquoIn general too we have icebreakers and therersquos a host anchoring the entire event to keep the flow going We understand that around 20 to 30 per cent of the crowd are introverts and around 50 per cent are coming for the first time They probably have no idea how these things work We make it our responsibility to get them to open uprdquo say the foundersThey also send out thorough ldquovibecheckrdquo forms to singles who have registered for their events to ensure that only those who are serious about finding someone to attend The Intimacy Curator goes a step further calling every single participant before the event to inform them about consent and dating etiquette as well as gauging their preferencesAanchal Agrawalrsquos cure for awkward singles is comedy The standup comic has devised her own format called Assisted Dating ldquoItrsquos like bringing an arranged marriage date to the stagerdquo she says ldquoInstead of parents comedians play matchmakers Two comedians represent the girl two represent the guy and they try to lsquoarrangersquo their relationship while the audience waves flags to vote on whether the match will lastrdquo In the end if the boy and the girl say yes Agrawal sponsors their first date So far theyrsquove seen about five successful ldquoarrangesrdquoGaurav Vohra finds that people are much kinder in personThe idea started from Agrawalrsquos frustration with the dating scene ldquoI wanted to collect some good karma by fulfilling for others what I couldnrsquot findrdquo she says ldquoIrsquove already given up I canrsquot do dating apps any morerdquoldquoDating apps can feel mechanical especially for women You get too many likes and the whole process becomes dehumanising You end up browsing through people like theyrsquore Tshirts in different colours Therersquos no magic no connection Thatrsquos why I created this show To give people a space where theyrsquore not being judged or swiped away in two seconds I want both men and women to feel human again in the dating processrdquo she explainsThe concept sounds promising But as we sit among her audience we can tell that this is a comedy show first and a dating event second The contestants are too nervous and the jokes donrsquot help with the nerves The voyeuristic nature of format does make for a fun watch But if yoursquore looking to meet the love of your life this might not be the format for you You can however do it for the plotUP2DATE IRL has hosted over 2000 people across 25 eventsJust because we now have the option of these mixers though doesnrsquot mean dating apps are going to die out There are still plenty of couples finding each other online mdash you just have to be prepared to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the one When Leher Chadha and Anmol Menon first met on Hinge seven years ago the connection was instant Menon was captivated by her profile pictures ldquoThe first thing I noticed was her eyes She had applied kajal so beautifullyrdquoldquoI saw that he was a chefrdquo says Chadha ldquoHe said that he makes an amazing Butter Chicken Lasagna mdash dishes I love separately mdash but Irsquove still never had the chance to taste it That remains the joke every year on our anniversaryrdquoThey matched on February 15 of that year and spoke for 10 hours continuously They cut the call at 4 am making plans to meet in a couple of hours Within 15 days they had met each otherrsquos parents and by December they were married ldquoIt was a whirlwind romancerdquo says Menon ldquoNever in my wildest dreams did I expect that things would go the way they didrdquoEven though both Chadha and Menon had had their fair share of issues with dating apps Chadha finds that as long as one is clear with what they want one can cut through the crap ldquoIt also depends on the app I could not survive on Tinder an app used primarily for hookups But at that time Hinge was fairly new and it was supposed to be for serious relationshipsrdquo she saysPratik JainMenon too shares ldquoSometimes on the apps people would really just look at you from a surface level I had balding issues at the time but in hindsight I feel that I wouldnrsquot want to connect with people who have such a shallow way of looking at peoplerdquoToday the pair runs Gourmet Bawarchi an artisanal sauces and catering business together ldquoHersquos a firstgeneration entrepreneur and hersquos really passionaterdquo says Chadha ldquoMy father was a firstgeneration entrepreneur and Irsquove seen firsthand what that strugglersquos like We really connected on thatrdquoWhether itrsquos apps or offline dating turns out therersquos no perfect formula Up 2 Date team says ldquoI think both online and offline are here to stay Therersquos a place for bothrdquoAt its core the struggle remains the same mdash most people still long to meet their partners organically For Gen Z especially therersquos something almost cringe about being seen as actively looking for love Instead theyrsquore finding subtler more inventive ways to connect The rise of running clubs lookalike competitions and shaadithemed parties can attest to that Those of the older cohort have already learnt their lessons knowing that therersquos no shame in wanting to find love In fact itrsquos what we should have been doing all along says Pratik Jain dating coach and founder of Way of MenldquoThe number one reason men come to me is frustration with apps they canrsquot find matches despite putting in time and effortrdquo he says ldquoWhen they are out and about they might come across women they are interested in but they realise they donrsquot have the social skills or the art of flirting because they have no practise of meeting women in the real world Women too might no longer know how to receive a romantic approach by a man outside of DMs Wersquore all too used to our screensrdquoFor Gen Z he says interpersonal skills may not have developed completely because they have never known a world that was not online Among Millennials and Gen X too might find that their IRL flirting game is a bit rusty or outdatedldquoMen especially need to be more mindful of the current dating culture and learn how to read the vibe in the room I have divorced men to whom I explain that things that were okay to do 10 years ago may no longer be acceptable to do on the first few dates todayrdquoThe only way to truly build these skills again is to go out mdash not just on dates but just socialise more He advocates for hybrid dating mdash keep the apps but also keep your heart open to meeting someone in the wild ldquoItrsquos a numbers game the more people you encounter the greater your chances of finding your matchrdquoJain is not a big fan of commercial singlesrsquo events because itrsquos also turned into a moneygrab Not all organisers put effort or thought into making it easier for the singles to actually mingle And for singles stuck in the rat race of life when all you have is Saturday night to find a date it creates a scarcity mindset that can make you too pushyInstead he recommends the truly oldschool method ldquoGo to your local coffee shop instead of grabbing a cup at your office canteen Go to the grocery store instead of ordering stuff home Everywhere you go say hi to people give them a smile You never know whatrsquoll happenrdquoBest of both worldsHybrid dating mdash both online and offline mdash is the future Elevn the latest entrant in the app market thatrsquos cofounded by filmmaker Karan Johar straddles both worlds Like any other app couples can match on it and choose to meet for a oneonone date But if that feels overwhelming you can also opt to meet at one of Elevnrsquos offline mixers among other singlesldquoElevn puts women at the centerrdquo says Karan Johar ldquoMen can only join if endorsed by a woman which immediately shifts the balance and builds credibility And because romance doesnrsquot end with a swipe the app also creates exclusive curated experiences for date bookings and for singles to meet quality peoplerdquoldquoWe believe that dating does not exclusively lie in the digital sphere or IRL it is between both worldsrdquo says Pranjal Gupta chief of staff at Elevn ldquoWe host three offline events a month from cocktail nights to indoor climbing to spin classesrdquolsquoApp fatigue worse for queer peoplersquoWhile itrsquos hardly surprising that most dating events in the city are geared towards heteronormative couples there are plenty of mixers for queer people too For instance Gay Bombay a queer support group hosts a bunch of activities from art meets to cookouts to rainbow housie nightsldquoQueer events give the context of community we all are mutual friends and it is a safe space With the activities at the events even if you donrsquot make a romantic connection you still have a meaningful time with yourqueer friendsrdquo says Sahcin Jain founder of a Gay BombayldquoApp fatigue is worse for queer people The biggest gay dating app out there is a shame spiral for gay menrdquo says Jain ldquoThe app tempts you with promises of someone 50 metres away but itrsquos just a mirage you never seem to find someone There are way too many ads on the app to even get any kind of engagement you have to shell out money Therersquos way too much ghosting and algorithm bias After the initial hit of dopamine we feel shame and uninstall the app Then we download it again and the cycle continuesrdquoLike cishet dating pools gay circles can be just as superficial about looks mdash ldquoEveryone wants to match with the top two per cent on the appsrdquo says Jain ldquoIn real life though yoursquore not just a picture or username mdash shared eye contact and casual conversation make a lot of difference Itrsquos not like all the biases disappear in real life but we tend to give others more of a chancerdquoTry it the OG wayIf you truly want to date like itrsquos the rsquo90s here are dating coach Pratik Jainrsquos top tips1 Travel more and be open to meeting someone The energy is more openminded something can spark even on a fiveday trip2 Organise house parties This used to be how people expanded their social circles back in the day Over three to four parties you build a reputationfor throwing a good bash and your friends will bring their friends over3 Volunteer Itrsquos not just good for the world and your soul mdash itrsquos also a way to regularly meet new people over an extended period ldquoWhen you have the opportunity to meet someone multiple times it takes the pressure off and also increases your chances of hitting it off And because yoursquore doing something good it wonrsquot feel like a waste of time eitherrdquo says Jain adding that volunteering grounds are ripe for picking with a whole host of art and culture festivals set to take place in NovemberDecember in Mumbai4 If you work from home then opt to work out of a cafeacute5 Learn to say hi to people without expecting anything from it Donrsquot go into conversation with an outcomedriven mindsetMeet more people and hone your personality