It started like any good water cooler conversation: A female colleague went on a date with a heterosexual man that ended at his home. He had moved into the place a few months ago, but had not unpacked entirely yet. All his belongings were pushed to one side of the room and covered with a bedsheet to leave one island of clean space to live in. “My mother is coming in a few weeks to set the house up,” he said, adding coyly, “…but if you were my girlfriend, you could do it…” He is 36 years old.

That is just one of the reasons why many single, urbane women in their late 20s and upwards, are telling us that they are giving up on dating. The overriding theme is that these women—cisgender heterosexual, queer and trans—are unlearning harmful behaviours, upskilling professionally and doing some deep self-work, but reportedly are not able to find men “equal” to them in these areas.